Every day, as I hand my business card (above) to people who may or may not know what I do, I explain that I write for Daily Cocaine; but that it is a mostly-Miami food and wine blog, and has nothing to do with cocaine. Food is the new cocaine, I say; but in reality, cocaine, especially in Miami, has never gone away, and is still Cocaine with a capital C. The clubs that stay open all night, the restaurants that turn into 'scenes' after 10:30, the beach.... The drug economy has built Miami, it's an open secret, and that has made the powder cheap and plentiful here. So in deference to the titular drug that is one of the main reasons Miami is more popular than ever (Lord knows it's not the dining options that are bringing the tourists here-contrary to Anthony Bourdain's maniacal ravings), and to help you stay awake through another long St. Patrick's Day debauchery, I present the first in a series on the best restaurant bathrooms in which to partake, for whatever reasons. This list is only about restaurants; no clubs or art galleries, no gyms or yoga studios. That's for another blog.
The most important aspects of a good snort-hole, are the following:
1) It must be roomy, in order to fit you and the two or three sunburned Ohioans you just met at the bar.
2) It must be clean, at least on the first go-round, to prevent any fatal gagging
3) It must have a lock that works, although a solid door you can lean your shoulder against might have to do sometimes (e.g., Churchill's)
4) Toilet paper's a plus for obvious reasons
5) Tucked away somewhere, so no one can hear you scream; although not too far away, that you get lost on the way back and have to ask directions
6) Mirrors. Lots of mirrors.
7) Bidet? (Only problem is, you might never come out)
8) Condom machine
There may be some more requirements, but we'll get to them as we go along. Disclaimer-In spite of the preponderance of what we used to call 'go-go' in Miami, it is still not legal. Of course, powdering your nose, still is.
One of my favorite restaurants in South Beach is Le Bon on Lincoln Road. Moules Frites, Belgian beers, right in the path of strutting tourists and locals, you never know who you might meet. The B-room is all stainless steel, baby. You can look right into your own eyes as you take a whiff from the roomy sink, toilet tank, toilet cover, or even the reflector-topped trash can. A lot of options for a big group; or just a way to amuse yourself while you try to get your eyelids to work properly again.
Lots of Options...
The Burger King at Biscayne Blvd. and 17th St. has a lovely tiled bathroom with a lock and key, a couple of handicap rails to keep you steady, and a charming group of $10 hookers hanging out in the parking lot. Probably better for rock-heads, but will do in a pinch when you realize your buzz won't take you all the way to your destination. Or that, sadly, this IS your destination. Try the Hershey's Sundae Pie. No, that's not the name of one of the working gals, it's ice cream, freak. Or maybe both. But at least it will keep your twitching lips busy. The ice cream, I mean.
The Tile-Work is Dreamy...
Nothin' But Hershey Pie, Sugar....
Next time...Whatever you do, don't fall in the pool...