Monday, March 31, 2008

Burger King. Where Schwampnuts is King...

Just when I thought no one could top the great experiences I've had all weekend X-ing at WMC, comes the news that my second-favorite restaurant chain, a local Miami establishment, in fact, will be opening a Bar that will “put a little more theater into it,” and where you will be able to “Pimp Your Burger”. Has Rick Ross opened a burger joint? Is Jeffrey Chodorow finally going to give Flava Flav his own celebuchef launch? (I know Flav would look great in the big toque. Just picture it. Exactly.) No, it's the Whopper Bar, where such items as the Western Whopper, the Texas Double Whopper, and the Angry Whopper will be featured. This futuristic stroke of genius got me to some stroking myself. My beard I mean. And it got me to thinking...

I called on my slanty-lipstick-ed sweaty-balled he-she companion Schwampnuts for advice, only to find out that he/she was already working for the dastardly corporation, creating pimped-out burgers like the Whore-per, which resembles a crack-whore's wrinkly junk; the Dr. Rockso Whopper, which is a toasted bun with an eight-ball inside it (also called simply, The Miami); and the Chicken Whopper, which is made out of boy. By the way, “Pimp Your Whopper” is a direct quote from The Wall Street Journal article:

At the 'Pimp Your Whopper' Bar patrons can choose from additional toppings like jalapeño peppers, bacon, barbecue sauce, and KY. There are also Hummer Whoppers, where you can eat all you want but you have to spit it out. If you swallow, it costs extra. And the Lap Dance Whopper, where the Bartender rubs the sandwich all over your face, but in the end, you need to go eat somewhere else, anyway, unless you order the Whopper Plus, which comes with a happy (meal) ending. By the way, there may be beer at the new Whopper Bars. No shit. Happy Flaming April 1st. This is not a joke. For more foolishness, see

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